i should really start updating this when i have good days too... might be nicer to remember those. i feel so very very alone again. i have realized that i will never have someone that i can do everything with. that will always be there for me. that would like me more than anyone else in the world. i just never will. i'm just not that likeable or something i guess. i feel like i'm a such a plage on the the world. like where ever i go it sucks the good out of everything around me. like everything is grey where i go and depressing. like everyone i come into contact with dies a little inside, and only feels pain and sadness while i'm around. i don't know. *sigh* it once again comes to that partners thing. everyone seems to have their partner except me. i just seem to be there. to exist for nothing. never to be wanted. never to be loved. just there hovering around like some vague shadow of a human being. only partially there.

it probably doesn't help that all my classes are horrible things and the only one that i actually have with my friends i have to sit at a different table. i mean they even just decided to destroy my last period happy class at the beginning of this week and make it into on of my worst. but really it doesn't surprise me that no one wants to be that special person that i can always have there to do everything with me. i'm just a worthless excuse for a human being is all. and then all my friends got on the honor roll or got some kind of award or other. then they constantly bitch about how stupid they are. i didn't get on the honor roll. i am probably the only one out of them all that truly believes that i'm stupid. really how can you when you have so much evidence to the contrary? whereas my evidence all points perfectly towards my being the stupidest child there ever was, is, or will be.

god how i hate myself.